Monday, January 30, 2006

Bauer Versus Bristow

With 24 being the hot show these days, Jack Bauer is the Man (as played by Kiefer Sutherland).

Or is he?

What about Spy Daddy. The original master of mayhem. The mulcher of moles - Jack Bristow of Alias (and played by Victor Garber). I started musing about this possibility last week and I think there's something to this matchup that is quite intriguing.

What would happen if we got these two together in the CTU torture room. Who would win? Or more to the point, would there be anything left of the planet if these two decided to get it on? I know I'm not alone in wondering what these two could do to each other, and the planet as we know it.

So without further ado, here's the matchup and relevant points:

Jack Bauer:
1) Jack killed a terrorist as show and tell in Kindergarden
2) Has been tortured and not even broken a sweat.
3) Has killed more people in five days than the US Marine Corps has ever killed in its entire history.
4) Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head!
5) Raised Kim Bauer, aka Spawn, into a supremely annoying hottie who should have been mountain lion food, terrorist chum, or roadkill any number of times.
6) Has no problem using torture to obtain intel. Relishes the opportunity in fact that they constructed a room for the express purposes of containing the cries of Bauer's victims.
7) Is da'Bomb when he's not asking where is the bomb.
8) In a previous career, was a vampire, which could explain his inability to be killed via normal means.
9) Assisted in the safe detonation of a terrorist's nuclear weapon on US soil. Survived jumping from plane carrying bomb before it detonated in California desert.

Strengths: Incredible constitution, can take a bullet, heart attack, and torture and continue fighting bad guys, killed an assassin with a surgical scissor after breaking a rib, voice can shatter limbs. Can phone it in and still kill terrorists.
Weaknesses: Kim Bauer, inability to find moles before they're hired at CTU.

Jack Bristow's CV:
1) Married superspy Irina Derevko and killed her - clone?
2) Raised Sydney Bristow into super hottie and uber spy who kicks serious ass. Kim Bauer would be dog food before Sydney begins her patented pumped up prance.
3) Has actually used a screwdriver for its intended purpose on only two occasions - the first to build Syndey's crib and the second was to build a crib for Sydney's baby. The other 59,466,235 times were to poke someone's eye out, gut a terrorist, or otherwise incapacitate a bad guy.
4) Looked the evil glowing ball of death (which causes victims to essentially zombies) in the eye and thought that a small version would look awesome on his desk.
5) Has been tortured and investigated by mole hunters of all sorts and sizes - and either killed or slept with them.
6) Won a Grand Slam of Poker tournament on a whim by default - all opponents were found slumped over dead at the table after receiving the Bristow stare of death.
7) Played an assassin on Broadway in a warmup for killing people in public places.
8) Tortures people without breaking a sweat.
9) Suffered massive radiation poisoning and survived without any lasting ill-effects.
Strengths: Game theory, supreme intellect, poker face stare that was purported to turn Medusa to stone
Weaknesses: Irina Derevko, Katya Derevko.

So, a battle royale between these two would be incredibly entertaining and quite possibly flip the earth on its axis, cause tsunamis, and wreak havoc the likes of which not even Rambaldi could prophesize. However, these two do share the common goal of protecting the US against all enemies (that's assuming that Jack Bristow is still well and truly playing for the good guys) - and would do anything to protect the country. My gut feeling is that after a battle to a stalemate, Bauer would accept Bristow into CTU as Bauer's boss knowing full well that Bristow has his back.

Frinkiac has actually tabulated which show is better and gives 24 the edge 7-6. Ouch. I don't think he gives Jack Bristow enough credit.

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